The Biology Chronicles
by BambooShoots
Summary: It's got stuff from so many diffent movies and shows including Buffy, SNL, and The ODdessy. It's this thing that my friend (Loki no miko) and i write in class since we obviously don't pay attention. I think it's funny, so... read it.


Episode 1: Career Search  
  
Disclaimer: There are lots of things in this story that I don't own. Abbie, Diana and the teachers are mine, as well as some other stuff. But a lot of the other characters belong to other people. You'll figure it out.  
  
Once upon a time in a boring bio class far, far away, Abbie and Diana went looking for a job. Partly cuz they had nothing better to do and partly cuz Diana had a yen for making money. So they printed out a list of jobs they should sample and went out into the world to make something of themselves and win the next presidential election.  
  
But first they needed a car. Diana wanted to use the Angel-mobile, but that idea was forcefully evoked by some non-Angel loving people.  
  
And since neither had a license, they got into the red Barbie corvette and drove off to make names for themselves. Abbie made a checklist of jobs to try.  
  
Art Therapist  
  
Child Psychologist  
  
Film critic  
  
Medic  
  
Venereal Disease Clinic runners  
  
Museum paleontologists  
  
Chauffeurs  
  
Fashion designers  
  
So they set off to try out all the jobs.  
  
"First on the list is an Art Therapist," said Diana while Abbie drove.  
  
"What the crap is an art therapist," Abbie asked. So they decided to consult Mr. Futch the art teacher. Turns out he didn't know either, so they decided to just put out a sign and let people come to them.  
  
The first person who walked in was some gay guy named Einon. "I need therapy," he said, "because I'm an ugly villain."  
  
"We know just how to help you," Abbie said and promptly ushered him out the back door where she made short work of putting an arrow through his chest.  
  
"Where is he now?" Asked Diana, who was balancing precariously on a stepladder to paint "closed" on the door.  
  
"In the Dumpster," Abbie replied offhandedly. "I think was planning on starting a porn-art studio." She sighed lovingly. She'd met her boyfriend Stuart (author's note: yes, I use the name Stuart a lot. Call me unoriginal, but I have a problem) at King Bling Bling's porn art studio.  
  
Abbie cast thoughts of her hot boyfriend aside and climbed into the B.C. "Where to next?" She asked.  
  
It was time to be Child Psychologists. So Abbie and Diana went and got a new Einon-free building. Soon kids started getting there.  
  
Abbie went into one office with some adopted kid named Herlemachus. He was pretty darn screwed up. Apparently he had two dads and he hated his name and he wanted to be a boy. She renamed him Jason and sent him to a dating agency to be raised, although she suspected he'd always be somewhat screwed up.  
  
Diana was in her office with a bunch of blue kids who obviously belonged to Abbie's ex-husband Benjy. (Benjy, coincidentally, had tricked Abbie into marrying him.) "It's their Uncle Bowen," Benjy explained. "They all want to be like him, cuz he's a knight. So they're falling in love with things of different species and the same gender as them." All the blue kids were freaking Diana out, and Abbie hated Benjy, so they left and gave the building to some hobos, one of whom was Joss Whedon, all drugged up on acid.  
  
Off again, this time they moved to San Francisco and god jobs at the Sun Times after effectively killing off Ebert.  
  
"Ebert?" Asked Diana blankly to a news reporter investigating his death. "Ebert who?"  
  
"Yeah," Agreed Abbie helpfully. "It was empty when we got here," she said, gesturing to the expansive office.  
  
Diana quickly hid a certificate stating "Sundance awards proudly presents this award to Rojar Ebert..."  
  
Abbie slammed the door in the reporter's face. She blinked. "So... all we have to do is watch movies? That's it?"  
  
"Yup! And we get paid for saying what we thought about it," said Diana.  
  
Three hours later...  
  
"I am NOT going in there!!" Screamed Diana, struggling with two burly guards and pointing at the offending theatre (currently showing "Sweet November").  
  
"NEVER," yelped Diana. Abbie tried to hide behind the popcorn stand.  
  
"I'm not with her," she told the usher in a hushed tone.  
  
Thus they lost their jobs as film critics and had to move on to their next job... stripping.  
  
"Not stripping," said Abbie flatly. "That isn't on the list. Now we have to be medics." So they went to LA, the car accident capital of the world.  
  
First they tried the whole Ambulance Driving thing. Since there wasn't any room in the BC they tied the patient to the trunk. Which didn't work out well cuz he kept flopping of the sides and dragging on the ground. So instead they tied a slip n' slide to the back and put the patient on that. But it kept flipping over whenever they hit potholes (which was roughly every three point five seconds. No wonder there were so many accidents!) So the whole ambulance thing didn't work out. (They left the patient in a ditch somewhere.) But they still wanted to try the medic thing. So they went to the hospital. Only Diana thought the blood transfusions were ketchup and served them to the patients and then Stuart came to visit Abbie and somehow all the supplies in the closet got tossed out the window. They were going to keep trying, but then some guy with wax on his *ahem * came in so they put him in another ditch (after adding more wax) and moved on (minus Stuart, who went home to await their return) to start a Venereal disease clinic in Iowa. Cuz where better, right?  
  
Their first patient at the clinic was Hermes. HE had an amazing 1,200 different venereal diseases, half of which were previously unknown and 23 of which were only in a certain species of shark.  
  
The job was going well until Herme74 broke out of it's container and Abbie and Diana fled the scene. They took refuge in some house somewhere.  
  
*Knock * "Duhhhh, hello?" Asked the voice at the door.  
  
Diana was turning several shades of green and Abbie's hand kept twitching for a shovel handle.  
  
"Riley... um, we want you to go here," said Diana, shoving a piece of paper with a random address scribbled on it at Riley, then turning and vomiting in the grass.  
  
"OK," agreed Riley. "I'll go."  
  
Abbie promptly shoved Diana into the B.C. and sped away. "I'm never going to recover from that," she quipped.  
  
Unfortunately, Hermes founded a new center so they had to start all over again. A couple of ho's named Circe and Calypso came, and then some Penelope chick. Then Hermes came back with more VD's then ever, some of which were only found in certain species of plants.  
  
Stuart called to ask if they needed help. "You must never come to this godforsaken place," Abbie told him, meaning not only the clinic but iota as well.  
  
Then Brother Gilbert and Detective Vaughn (they're gay) came. B.G wanted an abortion. "I'm a monk," he wailed. "If they found out about Vaughn and me, I'm dead!"  
  
Abbie and Diana told him they were at the wrong clinic. Then, when Einon showed up, it was the last straw. They locked him inside and released Hermes15-300.  
  
"This career thing is harder then I expected," Diana said as they drove off in the B.C.  
  
Abbie, who was on the verge of a nervous break down from the ordeal, began to sob and cried, "I miss Stuart!" Diana had to drive since she almost ran into a tree.  
  
Since the next job was paleontologist, they went to the Smithsonian. The people sent them to vacuum the room with the bones, only they knocked all the bones down and sucked them into the vacuum cleaner. So they decided they'd rather go to the Gobi desert.  
  
They had a great deal of fun driving around in a bathtub dune buggy before they got to the dig site. Only, they were having so much fun with the tub buggy that they didn't stop driving it and ran right through the dig. It was later discovered that they'd completely ruined what had been thought to be the oldest fossil of an evolving ape ever. Their only comment to the press?  
  
"Oops."  
  
And so they moved on to being chauffeurs. This looked like a great amount of fun since they got to drive and be paid for it.  
  
Only there was that whole the-BC-doesn't-fit-other-people thing. So their fare, some ugly dude named Brian, had to sit on the back and hold on to them or fall off the back when...  
  
"Hey! You just copped a feel!" Abbie shouted, punching Brian. "I don't think my boyfriend Stuart would like that." Then, realizing that he was wax dude, the pantsed him and poured more wax on his *ahem * then ever before... and it fell off due to the sheer weight of all that wax.  
  
"Oh my god," said Brain, looking hysterical.  
  
"That'll teach you to grope me," Abbie said defiantly. So they got back in the BC and that was the end of the chauffeur business.  
  
So they became fashion designers at a chic New York magazine.  
  
Thing was, Diana had this fetish for leather pants...  
  
"OK," said Diana, inspecting a red silk dress, "Let's put some leather pants here," she pointed to the spaghetti straps, "here," the back, "and then we'll make these cute little leather pants pins and use them to accessorize."  
  
Abbie shook her head tiredly and sank her head on a desk.  
  
"What?" Asked Diana, cluelessly.  
  
No one bought the leather pants line, so they lost another job. They decided to make a new list...  
  
(it's gonna get a lot better, I promise!) 


End file.
